Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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