Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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