I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
