I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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