i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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