Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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