Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Randomize
