and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
