Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
