I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
