Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
