are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
