I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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