omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
