you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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