haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
