I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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