I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
