i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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