im six kinds of drunk right now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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