You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
