i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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