my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
