I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
