you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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