WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize