remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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