We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
