Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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