I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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