I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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