Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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