she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
