Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
