You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
