i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
