I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
