Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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