Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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