STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Randomize
