I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
