im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
