dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
