You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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