i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Drunk is a universal language darling
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