one two three fourrrrnication!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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