My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
