I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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