I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Randomize
