he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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