We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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