My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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