Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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