i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
