Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Your cock deserves a montage
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
