filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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