i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
