guys are only as good as the porn they watch
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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