Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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