Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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