So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
